-Am I Crazy?_

"Am I crazy?" I asked myself, over and over again. The way I felt, mentally, emotionally and physically made me think I was crazy. It made me feel ALONE. I was scared....and alone. Even the doctors discounted it.

Nearly a year after the birth of my child, deep depression hit...and anxiety combined with panic attacks. I was spinning out of control. It had to be my oral birth control. But no. "Here." The doctors said. "Take this." They said, pushing more antidepressants at me. "No." I said. "I don't want them. What is causing this?" I asked. Over and over again. No answers. I battled this for a couple of years. The anxiety was the worst. The panic attacks left me dehabilitated. I could not function. My oral birth control had been switched from brand to brand to brand. No one would HEAR me nor listen. Until finally, I encountered a nurse practitioner who listened. "Stop the birth control." She said. "Let's see what happens." I did. I saw a new gynecologist. Who listened. I stayed off the birth control for 6 years or so. Maybe less. I can't recall. My gynecologist gave me vitamins to calm me. Natural remedies. No more pushing antidepressants. No more added hormones. It took some time, but I finally began to feel better. No more crying all day. No more fear-gripping anxiety. Until now. 

Three months ago, I decided to give some low dose oral birth control a try...again...I do not wish to have any more children. I am DONE. I feel strongly about this. And I'm at peace with this. I could not handle pregnancy.......not emotionally nor mentally. All the hormonal ups and downs and changes....this oral birth control is making me feel crazy again. Filled with anxiety. Filled with panic. Filled with fear and paranoia. There is a rational side of me and a very irrational side of me.

Yes. This is real. Yes. You are not alone. I imagine many women have been here and have gone through the same. The physical symptoms of the anxiety alone are frightening. The mood swings are equally frightful. I have a 9-year old son and a husband. I cannot go through this again. So I wait. Patiently for my doctor to give me a viable alternative. I am through with added  hormones. I am threw with this. I am scared. I feel alone. I feel.....crazy. Yes. I do. But I know I am not. I've been here before.

I encourage you to find someone who will listen. Someone you can trust. Know you are NOT alone in the way you feel.