-Experiences.

I had a conversation with a friend today - while it was meant to uplift them, it uplifted me as well. Dealing with depression and anxiety seems like a never-ending battle. But I can promise it's not.

This conversation made me think and realise that all of life's experiences  make us who we are. Whether they are positive or negative, good or bad...they form us. And it's our task to use them for good, for growth.

I think about some of my life's experiences: growing up overseas and having a cultural experience that not many are fortunate to have and how that has molded me and formed who I am today. My thoughts, my beliefs, my values. My first "serious"relationship as an 18-year-old with a guy who beat my ass every day.....and how I overcame it and can share and encourage others who may be going through a similar situation. I think about how I've dealt with depression and anxiety and panic attacks, many times over. Stubbornly not accepting the aid of anti-depressants but combatting it on my own, with therapy and lots of ups and downs....a whole lot of downs.

I realise that despite it all, I would not change a thing. These life experiences have made me who I am today. They've made me stronger, wiser. And if sharing helps just one person, it was all worth it. I am alive and a conquerer.

My Battle with Depression

I am compelled to share my story of depression and anxiety and depression.....I've battled with it over the years and I am not afraid to admit it. There comes a time when we have to talk about it, to share our experiences.

Often we fear the stigma and the judgement when dealing with such a diagnosis. Someone tonight likened depression to a prison, a personal prison. No one really knows your in there....that prison. It is all-consuming...when help is not sought. It's debilitating, it can alter your life and the life of everyone around you.

Yes. Depression is scary. Yes. You may feel out of control at times. You may wish to crawl into bed and never come out. You may just wish to be invisible rather than carrying that fake smile with you wherever you go. But you have to keep on moving, you have to reach up, even when you feel it's hopeless, even when you feel like there is no way out, no end in sight. Reach out. Ask for help. I battled alone for years...not realizing I was depressed. As a teenager, who thinks of depression. The word, I am sure, was not even in my vocabulary. But looking back, all those nights I sat alone and cried uncontrollable tears.......I see I was depressed....but was too afraid to show my emotions to anyone else so I suffered alone, in silence. Depression led me to an unhealthy relationship which in turn spiraled my depression into more. I sought counseling...but never really dealt with the issues. I felt better but it was just on the surface better. It was not deep-down I am healed better. I touched on the domestic violence relationship and mostly dealt with the "why's" of that than myself.  Feeling better. I ended that round of therapy. But I was still depressed. I couldn't eat. I lost weight. I wore that "everything is perfectly fine" smile. You know that fake one, the one most, except for your closest friends, fall for. And even sometimes, you can fool them. By acting if all is normal. I was a young adult, I didn't talk about feelings, emotions. I just pushed them aside, deep down, and went about my life as if all was normal, all was well.

And then there were the adult years with depression and anxiety and panic attacks. I sought help, I reached out to everyone I knew that would support me and lift me up. I sought counseling, yet still refusing medication, I fought with therapy, lots and lots of counseling. Talk therapy. Cognitive behavior therapy. I cried. A lot. I wanted to lock myself in the closet. Depression was induced by a sense of overwhelming change and added hormones to my life. I felt trapped. I felt like I could not escape. I felt hopeless, I felt lost. I felt alone. But I reached out, not caring what others thought...I just knew I needed help and I needed to talk and share. I needed to know I was not alone and that others have been there. And I learned so much about myself, about depression, about anxiety and hopeless fear. During that time, I also experienced my first panic attack. That was the most scariest thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life. I thought I was going to die. The gripping fear, unable to breath, I could not think, I could not focus. I could not sit still. Panic consumed me, fear gripped at me and would not let go. I could deal with depression but panic attacks took on a whole new life. I was constantly afraid; afraid to leave the house in fear that something might happen to me, afraid to leave work and be alone during the commute home. My safe place, my cocoon was my bed. To some degree, when I am feeling anxious, it still is. I fought it - with therapy - and support from friends and loved ones. And I conquered it.

But depression crept back in again.....It's a constant cycle it seems. I am aware of my emotions, of how I am feeling of what I am going through. I attempt to find balance, to find that calm place where I can be in touch with my emotions and ride the wave of anxiety. It's scary, yes. But it is manageable with the right tools, with the right support, medication, therapy, you can defeat depression. But you have to ask for help. You are not alone. You are never alone. Many have been through it. Many more will go through it.

Keep breathing, keep moving forward, hold on.

-Depression Is Serious.-

Today we learn of the passing of Robin Williams, who suffered from depression. Death by alleged suicide. Sadly, depression is a serious illness and can take lives just as easily as a physical illness.

Sadly though, depression is not well-discussed. Many suffer alone, in silence. Depression has a stigma. Long ago, the depressed were considered "crazy" (which is not an actual medical diagnosis by any means) and were locked away in an insane asylum. Depression is treatable, it is manageable. But we have to be able to have the "depression discussion" - safely without fear of judgement.

Depression is treatable with medications as well as therapy. It's healing to share, to talk openly rather than hide away behind that fake "everything is just fine smile." You know the smile.

Ask for help. Don't try and manage it all alone. Others have been there too. Support one another, lean on each other. Be there for emotional and physical support.

Depression is real. It is serious. And it hurts many.

The Stigma of Depression

I recently spoke with a friend who is having some {temporary}emotional challenges. 

As women in this current society, so much more is laid upon out shoulders. We are wives, we are mothers, we have demanding careers. We give...until we can give no more. And then, we are empty, overwhelmed with life. We want to curl up in bed and cry and hide away from the world. We want to scream. But instead, we put on that smile and pretend that everything is okay. We are strong. We can do this. We are masters at disguising our true emotions. We are nearing melt-down stage, but we have to hold it together. What will people think? If we break down and cry? We carry the weight of the world on our shoulders. 

Many women endur this. But because society casts such a negative stigma on depression, we hide away. We fear judgement. We fear what others may think. We put our health aside....for fear of judgement. We prolong these feelings.

My friend is Christian, has a deep faith and belief in God, but feels because she is dealing with this emotional turmoil, she feels less of a Christian. As a Christian woman myself, who has battled depression and anxiety, I understand her feelings. The Christian faith preaches that we bring the depression on ourselves,they  judge us just as harshly. "If you believe in God, if you have faith in God, there should be no emotional nor mental battle." But you see, depression and anxiety are truly clinical diagnoses. It has nothing to do with the strength in your belief system. We need support, from Christians as well as non-Christians. We need to be able to reach out when we are drowning. This is real life. God never said it would be easy. But He did say we should love one another and not cast judgement. 

My heart broke when I heard my friend say this. Because I know her heart and I know how strong her relationship with God is. 

We need to end the stigma. We need open dialogue for support and healing. 

Depression and anxiety are REAL.

-Am I Crazy?_

"Am I crazy?" I asked myself, over and over again. The way I felt, mentally, emotionally and physically made me think I was crazy. It made me feel ALONE. I was scared....and alone. Even the doctors discounted it.

Nearly a year after the birth of my child, deep depression hit...and anxiety combined with panic attacks. I was spinning out of control. It had to be my oral birth control. But no. "Here." The doctors said. "Take this." They said, pushing more antidepressants at me. "No." I said. "I don't want them. What is causing this?" I asked. Over and over again. No answers. I battled this for a couple of years. The anxiety was the worst. The panic attacks left me dehabilitated. I could not function. My oral birth control had been switched from brand to brand to brand. No one would HEAR me nor listen. Until finally, I encountered a nurse practitioner who listened. "Stop the birth control." She said. "Let's see what happens." I did. I saw a new gynecologist. Who listened. I stayed off the birth control for 6 years or so. Maybe less. I can't recall. My gynecologist gave me vitamins to calm me. Natural remedies. No more pushing antidepressants. No more added hormones. It took some time, but I finally began to feel better. No more crying all day. No more fear-gripping anxiety. Until now. 

Three months ago, I decided to give some low dose oral birth control a try...again...I do not wish to have any more children. I am DONE. I feel strongly about this. And I'm at peace with this. I could not handle pregnancy.......not emotionally nor mentally. All the hormonal ups and downs and changes....this oral birth control is making me feel crazy again. Filled with anxiety. Filled with panic. Filled with fear and paranoia. There is a rational side of me and a very irrational side of me.

Yes. This is real. Yes. You are not alone. I imagine many women have been here and have gone through the same. The physical symptoms of the anxiety alone are frightening. The mood swings are equally frightful. I have a 9-year old son and a husband. I cannot go through this again. So I wait. Patiently for my doctor to give me a viable alternative. I am through with added  hormones. I am threw with this. I am scared. I feel alone. I feel.....crazy. Yes. I do. But I know I am not. I've been here before.

I encourage you to find someone who will listen. Someone you can trust. Know you are NOT alone in the way you feel. 

-Just. Remember. To. Breath. -

If one has never had or experienced extreme level anxiety, then it would be difficult for one to understand how dehabilitating it can be. It's nearly like a prison within yourself.

I've suffered from anxiety - on a severe level - add depression with the ever-so-frequent panic attack and it's a recipe for a near disaster. Trapped. Inside. Yourself.

Your chest feels like an elephant is sitting on it. You think you can't breath. When my anxiety level begins to rise (and I know when it is because suddenly my heart rate increases, my chest feels tight and heavy and I feel short of breath), I continue to remind myself to "Breath." Breath. In. Deeply. 

Breathing in deep is truly the way we are supposed to breath - not the shallow breaths most of us take. Deep breaths are calming, cleansing, soothing. Deep breaths heal the anxiety. 

Severe anxiety is no laughing matter. It's. Serious. It's scary. One feels helpless at times. Dehabilitating. Very Much So. Because you feel alone...as though no one else is or has gone through this. Many have. And many will. And it's okay to talk about it, share how you feel about it. It's healing as well. 

So next time you feel like the world is closing in on you....stop and remind yourself to "Just. Breath. Breath in Deeply. And Exhale." Before you know it, you will feel better.

Falling.

Falling, Falling. Slowly. Down. Down. 

Reaching up, for a hand. Is no one around?

Falling. Down. Slowly. Is there no way up?

Slowly. Reaching up again.....finally found a hand....latching on. Grabbing hold. Not letting go. 

Pulling me up. Seeing the light. There now...standing on my own.