Unlimited.

Recently, I had a conversation with a friend. One of those new-age conversations, where you don't really talk..........talk.....you know, when you hear each other's voices....but the electronic sort. Surprisingly, it wasn't even a conversation about our mutual passion of photography....it began with music and somehow at some point, a message popped up that said something like, "You write?" In which I promptly responded, "Yes. I write." Or something like that. In essence - the conversation became less about writing and more about talents and gifts and the limits we place upon ourselves.

It got me to thinking. What limitations am I placing on myself? We all limit ourselves to some degree, whether we think we do or not.

Fear. Lack of Funds. Lack of guidance. Fear. Comfort. 

When we are too comfortable, we limit ourselves.

When we are fearful, we limit ourselves. 

When we lack the guidance on how to achieve our dreams, we limit ourselves.

So how do we overcome these limitations? How do we live a limitless life?

Fear is natural. There is nothing wrong with a little fear. It's when we allow it to hold us back...when we allow it to stifle our dreams and creativity it becomes a problem. I admit, I've allowed fear to hold me back. Fear of the unknown, fear of failing.  Admittedly to some (large) degree, I like things mapped out for me. I like to have a plan. Yes. The plan can change, but there has to be some sort of plan. And I have had a fear of failing...what if it doesn't work out? What will I do then? But not trying is the biggest failure of all.

I hate asking for help. And that has limited me in so many ways. While I am (slightly) better at it now, it still hinders me greatly. Asking for help and guidance can un-limit you; it can remove some of that fear...that lack of knowledge in how to get to that dream. It can help remove some of the doubt, some of the insecurities.

I truly sleep, eat, and breathe photography. I've had a camera in my hand since I was in elementary school. I have taken thousands - probably millions at this point- of photographs. I've been pursuing it for over 14 years, now, but it wasn't until 3 or 4 years ago when I seriously began putting my ALL into it. It was then that I stopped comparing my work to others, I stopped being insecure about my work and I began to network, meet other phenomenal photographers and (very slowly) began asking questions, asking for input....and just shooting. Being insecure about my work held me back...being insecure about myself held me back even more. Fear held me back.

I write. But many don't know this. Oh, they know I write for digital magazines, it's all over my social media pages. But they don't know I write anything else. Not many do. Why? Because I am insecure about what I write. I don't think it's good enough. There again I limit myself. I am afraid.....crazy, huh? I criticize myself harshly. Perfection is not a positive trait.

I limit myself. No one else. Just me. But with a new year approaching, I am ready to be Limitless. To push my boundaries more. To really really pursue what I love. All the time. I am ready to take that leap into the unknown...and I know it will all work out (somehow, gasp!) Because it has so far.

-The Biggest Dream.

What is your biggest dream? 

The one that scares you the most?

The one that you think you can never achieve?

The one that haunts you, night and day, and invades your every thought?

What? Is? It? And what do you plan to do about it? 

Are you going to allow it to plague you? Or are you going to do something to make it happen?

Are you going to live life with the regret of never even making an attempt at making your dream(s) come true? Are you going to pretend it doesn't exist? 

Go after it! Make it happen! It's waiting for you!! 

My Battle with Depression

I am compelled to share my story of depression and anxiety and depression.....I've battled with it over the years and I am not afraid to admit it. There comes a time when we have to talk about it, to share our experiences.

Often we fear the stigma and the judgement when dealing with such a diagnosis. Someone tonight likened depression to a prison, a personal prison. No one really knows your in there....that prison. It is all-consuming...when help is not sought. It's debilitating, it can alter your life and the life of everyone around you.

Yes. Depression is scary. Yes. You may feel out of control at times. You may wish to crawl into bed and never come out. You may just wish to be invisible rather than carrying that fake smile with you wherever you go. But you have to keep on moving, you have to reach up, even when you feel it's hopeless, even when you feel like there is no way out, no end in sight. Reach out. Ask for help. I battled alone for years...not realizing I was depressed. As a teenager, who thinks of depression. The word, I am sure, was not even in my vocabulary. But looking back, all those nights I sat alone and cried uncontrollable tears.......I see I was depressed....but was too afraid to show my emotions to anyone else so I suffered alone, in silence. Depression led me to an unhealthy relationship which in turn spiraled my depression into more. I sought counseling...but never really dealt with the issues. I felt better but it was just on the surface better. It was not deep-down I am healed better. I touched on the domestic violence relationship and mostly dealt with the "why's" of that than myself.  Feeling better. I ended that round of therapy. But I was still depressed. I couldn't eat. I lost weight. I wore that "everything is perfectly fine" smile. You know that fake one, the one most, except for your closest friends, fall for. And even sometimes, you can fool them. By acting if all is normal. I was a young adult, I didn't talk about feelings, emotions. I just pushed them aside, deep down, and went about my life as if all was normal, all was well.

And then there were the adult years with depression and anxiety and panic attacks. I sought help, I reached out to everyone I knew that would support me and lift me up. I sought counseling, yet still refusing medication, I fought with therapy, lots and lots of counseling. Talk therapy. Cognitive behavior therapy. I cried. A lot. I wanted to lock myself in the closet. Depression was induced by a sense of overwhelming change and added hormones to my life. I felt trapped. I felt like I could not escape. I felt hopeless, I felt lost. I felt alone. But I reached out, not caring what others thought...I just knew I needed help and I needed to talk and share. I needed to know I was not alone and that others have been there. And I learned so much about myself, about depression, about anxiety and hopeless fear. During that time, I also experienced my first panic attack. That was the most scariest thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life. I thought I was going to die. The gripping fear, unable to breath, I could not think, I could not focus. I could not sit still. Panic consumed me, fear gripped at me and would not let go. I could deal with depression but panic attacks took on a whole new life. I was constantly afraid; afraid to leave the house in fear that something might happen to me, afraid to leave work and be alone during the commute home. My safe place, my cocoon was my bed. To some degree, when I am feeling anxious, it still is. I fought it - with therapy - and support from friends and loved ones. And I conquered it.

But depression crept back in again.....It's a constant cycle it seems. I am aware of my emotions, of how I am feeling of what I am going through. I attempt to find balance, to find that calm place where I can be in touch with my emotions and ride the wave of anxiety. It's scary, yes. But it is manageable with the right tools, with the right support, medication, therapy, you can defeat depression. But you have to ask for help. You are not alone. You are never alone. Many have been through it. Many more will go through it.

Keep breathing, keep moving forward, hold on.

-Am I Crazy?_

"Am I crazy?" I asked myself, over and over again. The way I felt, mentally, emotionally and physically made me think I was crazy. It made me feel ALONE. I was scared....and alone. Even the doctors discounted it.

Nearly a year after the birth of my child, deep depression hit...and anxiety combined with panic attacks. I was spinning out of control. It had to be my oral birth control. But no. "Here." The doctors said. "Take this." They said, pushing more antidepressants at me. "No." I said. "I don't want them. What is causing this?" I asked. Over and over again. No answers. I battled this for a couple of years. The anxiety was the worst. The panic attacks left me dehabilitated. I could not function. My oral birth control had been switched from brand to brand to brand. No one would HEAR me nor listen. Until finally, I encountered a nurse practitioner who listened. "Stop the birth control." She said. "Let's see what happens." I did. I saw a new gynecologist. Who listened. I stayed off the birth control for 6 years or so. Maybe less. I can't recall. My gynecologist gave me vitamins to calm me. Natural remedies. No more pushing antidepressants. No more added hormones. It took some time, but I finally began to feel better. No more crying all day. No more fear-gripping anxiety. Until now. 

Three months ago, I decided to give some low dose oral birth control a try...again...I do not wish to have any more children. I am DONE. I feel strongly about this. And I'm at peace with this. I could not handle pregnancy.......not emotionally nor mentally. All the hormonal ups and downs and changes....this oral birth control is making me feel crazy again. Filled with anxiety. Filled with panic. Filled with fear and paranoia. There is a rational side of me and a very irrational side of me.

Yes. This is real. Yes. You are not alone. I imagine many women have been here and have gone through the same. The physical symptoms of the anxiety alone are frightening. The mood swings are equally frightful. I have a 9-year old son and a husband. I cannot go through this again. So I wait. Patiently for my doctor to give me a viable alternative. I am through with added  hormones. I am threw with this. I am scared. I feel alone. I feel.....crazy. Yes. I do. But I know I am not. I've been here before.

I encourage you to find someone who will listen. Someone you can trust. Know you are NOT alone in the way you feel. 

-Just. Remember. To. Breath. -

If one has never had or experienced extreme level anxiety, then it would be difficult for one to understand how dehabilitating it can be. It's nearly like a prison within yourself.

I've suffered from anxiety - on a severe level - add depression with the ever-so-frequent panic attack and it's a recipe for a near disaster. Trapped. Inside. Yourself.

Your chest feels like an elephant is sitting on it. You think you can't breath. When my anxiety level begins to rise (and I know when it is because suddenly my heart rate increases, my chest feels tight and heavy and I feel short of breath), I continue to remind myself to "Breath." Breath. In. Deeply. 

Breathing in deep is truly the way we are supposed to breath - not the shallow breaths most of us take. Deep breaths are calming, cleansing, soothing. Deep breaths heal the anxiety. 

Severe anxiety is no laughing matter. It's. Serious. It's scary. One feels helpless at times. Dehabilitating. Very Much So. Because you feel alone...as though no one else is or has gone through this. Many have. And many will. And it's okay to talk about it, share how you feel about it. It's healing as well. 

So next time you feel like the world is closing in on you....stop and remind yourself to "Just. Breath. Breath in Deeply. And Exhale." Before you know it, you will feel better.

....What's Stopping You?

What's Stopping You?

Life is short. Live in the moment. Be present. 

Create memories. Do something new each and every day.

What's Stopping You? 

Fear? Money? Lack of support? Lack of knowledge?

Make. It. Happen.

Don't let anything stop you from achieving your goals. Live life to the fullest.

.....Think about it: What's Stopping You? Overcome those obstacles, any way you can.