My Battle with Depression

I am compelled to share my story of depression and anxiety and depression.....I've battled with it over the years and I am not afraid to admit it. There comes a time when we have to talk about it, to share our experiences.

Often we fear the stigma and the judgement when dealing with such a diagnosis. Someone tonight likened depression to a prison, a personal prison. No one really knows your in there....that prison. It is all-consuming...when help is not sought. It's debilitating, it can alter your life and the life of everyone around you.

Yes. Depression is scary. Yes. You may feel out of control at times. You may wish to crawl into bed and never come out. You may just wish to be invisible rather than carrying that fake smile with you wherever you go. But you have to keep on moving, you have to reach up, even when you feel it's hopeless, even when you feel like there is no way out, no end in sight. Reach out. Ask for help. I battled alone for years...not realizing I was depressed. As a teenager, who thinks of depression. The word, I am sure, was not even in my vocabulary. But looking back, all those nights I sat alone and cried uncontrollable tears.......I see I was depressed....but was too afraid to show my emotions to anyone else so I suffered alone, in silence. Depression led me to an unhealthy relationship which in turn spiraled my depression into more. I sought counseling...but never really dealt with the issues. I felt better but it was just on the surface better. It was not deep-down I am healed better. I touched on the domestic violence relationship and mostly dealt with the "why's" of that than myself.  Feeling better. I ended that round of therapy. But I was still depressed. I couldn't eat. I lost weight. I wore that "everything is perfectly fine" smile. You know that fake one, the one most, except for your closest friends, fall for. And even sometimes, you can fool them. By acting if all is normal. I was a young adult, I didn't talk about feelings, emotions. I just pushed them aside, deep down, and went about my life as if all was normal, all was well.

And then there were the adult years with depression and anxiety and panic attacks. I sought help, I reached out to everyone I knew that would support me and lift me up. I sought counseling, yet still refusing medication, I fought with therapy, lots and lots of counseling. Talk therapy. Cognitive behavior therapy. I cried. A lot. I wanted to lock myself in the closet. Depression was induced by a sense of overwhelming change and added hormones to my life. I felt trapped. I felt like I could not escape. I felt hopeless, I felt lost. I felt alone. But I reached out, not caring what others thought...I just knew I needed help and I needed to talk and share. I needed to know I was not alone and that others have been there. And I learned so much about myself, about depression, about anxiety and hopeless fear. During that time, I also experienced my first panic attack. That was the most scariest thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life. I thought I was going to die. The gripping fear, unable to breath, I could not think, I could not focus. I could not sit still. Panic consumed me, fear gripped at me and would not let go. I could deal with depression but panic attacks took on a whole new life. I was constantly afraid; afraid to leave the house in fear that something might happen to me, afraid to leave work and be alone during the commute home. My safe place, my cocoon was my bed. To some degree, when I am feeling anxious, it still is. I fought it - with therapy - and support from friends and loved ones. And I conquered it.

But depression crept back in again.....It's a constant cycle it seems. I am aware of my emotions, of how I am feeling of what I am going through. I attempt to find balance, to find that calm place where I can be in touch with my emotions and ride the wave of anxiety. It's scary, yes. But it is manageable with the right tools, with the right support, medication, therapy, you can defeat depression. But you have to ask for help. You are not alone. You are never alone. Many have been through it. Many more will go through it.

Keep breathing, keep moving forward, hold on.

-Levels of Friendship.

This seems to be a reoccurring topic this week....or these past couple of weeks. How do you know if your friends are truly on your side? If they truly have your back? If they are truly on your team?

How do we weed our true friends from the so-called friends? Should we constantly be questioning others' motives? How can we truly form relationships if we do this?

I do believe there are different levels of friendship. Some friends are in it for the long run. Those are the ones that stand by you through the good and the bad and the in between. They are the ones that you would share your deepest secrets with - and they are the smallest number of your friends. Their motives are pure. They have your back, no matter what. 

Then there are those friends that are not in it for the long run but for only a season....for whatever the reason. They come into your life for a period of time and then, they leave. For some, these friends can be hard to let go.....fear of losing a friend...and the hurt that could follow. But when we realize we are going in different directions and agree to go our separate ways, we grow. 

Then there are those acquaintances, those people we don't share much of our {personal} lives with.....

Different levels of friendships. Different levels of relationships. When things go wrong, we question motives. We question if that person was ever really there for us. When friends grow apart, we feel a sense of loss. 

We cannot go around questioning everyone's motives....we cannot ask what their "angle is" either. Relationships are about trust, no matter what level of friendship it might be. 

With this comes all sorts of emotions, feelings, sometimes hurt, sometimes happiness.

We have to learn to let go of those friends who may be toxic to us. Hold on to the ones that are dear to us.

If I call you my friend, I've got your back - unconditionally. No. Matter. What. I am there. Just call on me. No questions asked.

....and sometimes.....it hurts.

I've been a closed book for a long time. Walls kept up to keep people out, to avoid getting close, to avoid the feelings that go along with any relationship. My circle of trust is small. 

I've never been one to open up and share a lot. But within the past year, I have begun to open up....and be who I truly am supposed to be. With that, however, has come emotions I don't want to deal with. See, when you don't care about someone/anyone, it doesn't hurt. But when you care....the relationship: be it a friendship, marriage or whatever, will hurt, eventually. And I don't like it. I am already an overly emotional person. 

Honestly, a part of me wants to turn right back around and put those walls back up....to keep people out.......so I don't have to feel so deeply. But the other part of me knows this is all part of life. And that it's okay to feel deeply.  I want to not care.....really. I do. But I can't. It's just not in me. 

Any relationship will have the good times, the bad times, and the in between times. It's knowing what to do in each of them that makes getting through it easier. I am still learning.  I guess I will always be learning. My biggest obstacle and challenge is to not rebuild the walls to keep everyone out.  Keep moving forward, keep building relationships, new and old.