....and sometimes.....it hurts.

I've been a closed book for a long time. Walls kept up to keep people out, to avoid getting close, to avoid the feelings that go along with any relationship. My circle of trust is small. 

I've never been one to open up and share a lot. But within the past year, I have begun to open up....and be who I truly am supposed to be. With that, however, has come emotions I don't want to deal with. See, when you don't care about someone/anyone, it doesn't hurt. But when you care....the relationship: be it a friendship, marriage or whatever, will hurt, eventually. And I don't like it. I am already an overly emotional person. 

Honestly, a part of me wants to turn right back around and put those walls back up....to keep people out.......so I don't have to feel so deeply. But the other part of me knows this is all part of life. And that it's okay to feel deeply.  I want to not care.....really. I do. But I can't. It's just not in me. 

Any relationship will have the good times, the bad times, and the in between times. It's knowing what to do in each of them that makes getting through it easier. I am still learning.  I guess I will always be learning. My biggest obstacle and challenge is to not rebuild the walls to keep everyone out.  Keep moving forward, keep building relationships, new and old.

-reflections-

So many things have had to happen in my life to get to where I am now. Recently, I've been reflecting, reminiscing, looking back. I do that often, remembering the good times, and even the not-so-good times.  Why not? It's all made me who I am today........and each experience in life will continue to mold me into the person I am.

Recently in all this self-reflecting and reminiscing, I've grown to learn a few things about myself. Some have shed light on things I didn't realize about myself.....people that knew me "then" and people that know me now...and those in between.

The people that knew me "then", well, I was this quiet, "shy" girl.........not overly confident and as I like to say, ever-so-innocent. Okay, yesterday I was reminded that I might not have been as innocent as I {claim} to be! ("They" - whoever "they" are - say it's the quiet ones you have to watch out for.) I allowed myself to stay there......always looking "in" from the outside. 

When I think of who I was a year ago, wow! is all I can say. I am in such a different place mentally now than then. I am a completly different person. Confident, dare I say, a bit bold. I just see things differently now. I know WHO I am and WHAT I want. And I am determined and no longer afraid to go after them. Every day I make strides to better myself, learn something new, to be who I truly am. You see, I 've realized what my husband has already known and continuously told me, people are drawn to me. I see it. Now. 

I amaze myself. I stop and ask myself from time to time, "Who is this girl?" Not the same person she was not long ago. And I REALLY like her. ALOT. I like myself. No even better....I. Love. Myself. I do. So what. If I don't love myself, how can anyone else?

Love yourself. Like yourself. Forgive yourself. Be easy on yourself. Challenge yourself. Better yourself. It's really quite simple. 

The End of October & The Story of a {Young} Girl

Well, October is nearly officially over, meaning the end of Halloween, Breast Cancer Awareness Month & Domestic Violence Awareness Month as well.

If I may be a bit vulnerable here {because my story may change someone's life....it happened for a reason....) - Domestic Violence Awareness Month is a cause that is near and dear to my heart. You see I once was a young 17 year old girl, with low self esteem.....who WAS a victim of domestic violence. I was a senior in high school; recently moved back to the States {From Italy, of all places}, lonely, and quite naive!

Domestic Violence starts out quite discreetly; it's the little things that may seem "off" at first.........but then, at the same time, they don't. I mean, when you're that young, what do you know? For me, the red flag was the constant comparison to other females, but when I mentioned it to an adult, I was told not to worry...so I didn't. Brainwashing.....it occurs so discreetly, one doesn't even notice. Then, things escalated from there.........funny, how easy it is to hide the signs of abuse. I often wondered why no one noticed.......I lived with this guy and often recall leaving the apartment in tears, hanging out in the public areas of the apartment, silently crying out for help.....no one came. I remember all this like yesterday...and for years afterwards, I often wondered "Why?" "Why me?" "Why didn't I leave sooner?" I lived in pure hell, for a long time. I was a master at hiding my feelings, how easy it was to put on that "everything is great!" face.

Leaving.......not as easy as it would seem. I did....finally, by the grace of God, I am alive today.......and I am a BETTER person for having gone through it. {Who'd thought years ago I would have ever said that!} I blamed myself, I blamed others. But finally, I learned to forgive. Things happen for a reason, be them good or bad. Honestly, as awful as it was........and as much as it hurt, both physically and emotionally, I wouldn't take it back. (It sounds absolutely CRAZY!!! to even type this!) I wouldn't change it because I may not be the stronger woman I am today......and I would not have this story to tell, that may help someone else.

You see, Domestic Violence is serious.......it effects EVERYONE, the woman, the man, the children. It effects the community, the workplace. We need to talk about it, become educated about the signs and symptoms, learn what to do and how we can help. Stop saying, "Well, why doesn't she/he just leave?" It's just not that easy.............fear, dependence, brainwashing..........it keeps you there especially the fear. We need to do more about domestic violence. It needs to be talked about not just in October but every month. We need to educate our youth to prevent domestic violence from occuring. We need to encourage our young woman (and men, as well, as they can also be victims) to have strong self esteem...to know who they are as an individual...to protect themselves. We need stricter punishment for the abusers and even rehabilitation...and more protection for the victims. I remember the day I left - and sitting in that counselor's office as she showed me the different types of abuse (and I checked, "yes, yes, yes, yes." She taught me the cycle of abuse. I am familiar, and know it well.

I am thankful.......God brought me out of it, and gave me a wonderful husband and family. Good things do come. Be strong. Stay Educated. Be survivor. I am!

Let's not stop talking about it because October is over. Keep talking, keep sharing. It's worth it, you never know who you might help.

The healing will come...I promise.

Enjoy Events Co. // Celebration, Planning & Design in the Bay Area // Emily Read Bentley &: enjoy events co. advice #2: on hiring a photograph...

Enjoy Events Co. // Celebration, Planning & Design in the Bay Area // Emily Read Bentley &: enjoy events co. advice #2: on hiring a photograph...: hey folks, this is a big one today. a big and a FUN one. if you are in the process of hiring a photographer or just need some general advice...

There are certain situations that make me feel like a terrible Mother. I know I am not......but I just feel torn...and guilty. 

As a working mother, who is predominantly responsible for my son's care, I am the one who has to cut my work day short to pick up a sick or hurt child. 

Today was one of those days. I got a  call from my son's school about 15 minutes before I was to leave for the day. He had a temperature of 102- definitely needed to be picked up. Now here is the problem: number one: I work about 45 minutes from his school (in which I hate on days like these.) Problem number two: I had to find my supervisor to let her know I was about to leave for the day (at my regular time NOT early) and wouldn't be in tomorrow due to the fever. (24 hour fever free school policy-every Mother is familiar with this policy...whether we adhere to it or not is another story completely.) 

Although it was time for me to leave, my supervisor informed me that since I wasn't going to be in tomorrow, everything had to be done! Everything! Now here is the dilemma......I need my job....do I leave anyhow at my regular time, or do I stay? It's a tough position to be in. I stayed an extra 30 minutes, in which I still did not get "everything" done. And during those extra 30 minutes I felt terrible and guilty! I mean what mother chooses to stay late to finish her work when she has a sick child waiting for her at the school? I have always said family comes first, and in the instance, I put work first. And I. Felt. Guilty. All I could think of was how I couldn't to him fast enough. 45 minutes away, leaving work 35 minutes late....behind schedule....sick child....school calling, not once but a third time! I felt terrible! 

And when I arrived to the school, profusely apologizing for my "tardiness" - my son asked what took me so long. Never....Never will I put work before my family when they need me most of all. Work can be replaced, my family cannot. 

First Times.

There are first times for everything: first tooth, first words, first kiss, first job...this has been a weekend of "firsts" for not only myself, but my family as well. 

This weekend, we took "Lola" (our 1973 Volkswagen Bus) on her first 400 + mile road trip. Now, Lola is what's known in the VW world as a Westfalia, or a camper bus. My husband spent the past few weeks diligently preparing Lola for this weekend of a lifetime. In tip-top shape, we headed out to Port Orange, Florida for a huge VW show called No Dough Bus Show. 

Now, let me share with you, there is no better and more fun way to travel than in a VW Bus. The honks, the waves, the looks we get rolling down the interstate at our top speed of (gasp!) 65 miles per hour!! But we were doing it! Getting blown all over the lane by semis and huge tour buses, bouncing along on Georgia's ever-so-wonderful interstate roads! (I'd forgotten to make my "No Dough or Bust"sign for the back window in Lola!) It was a blast! Lola is loved by ALL! 

Upon arrival in Port Orange, we set up at No Dough Bus Show for a long, relaxing day with other VW Bus enthusiasts. Now, for another first, this was our first time driving her out of state to a car show as well. We took Lola on her (and our) first Navigational Rally as well, which is kind of like a scavenger hunt, only in a car!!!! We gave it a try for about 45 minutes and had an absolute blast, as well as a lot of laughs, before turning in our sorry looking answer sheet at the final check point. (I am certain others gave up before and shortly after us as well!) 

That evening, we camped in Lola...drum roll, please.....for the. first. time. And oh my goodness! We loved it! Lola sleeps four, there's a lovely fold out bed, and a child's cot that lies above the driver's and passenger's seat (my son loved it!) as well as a cot that is above in the pop up top area, my VW enthusiasts can picture this,  know most of you can't! Camping in her well, it. was. AWESOME!!!! We have set the tone for any and all of our future road trips. Who needs a hotel? We are driving in one! And let me tell you, camp sights are much cheaper than a decent hotel room any day! We had all we needed, right in Lola. A cooler, a grill, our radio, our dvd player, pillows, and a nice cool breeze....and well as fellow VW lovers right next door! What. a. Blast! I truly cannot wait to do it again!!!

To end the weekend of firsts, on Sunday No Dough had arranged a "No Cash Beach Bash" which was a gathering of VW's on the beach in Daytona Shores. One of the only beaches in the USA where you can actually drive ON the beach! And it was PHENOMENAL!! I am a beach girl, though and through, as well as a car lover! I can think of no better combination than this. It was like having your home right on the beach! During high tide, the water literally was probably 40 feet from the parking area! (Thankfully, it was low tide the majority of our nearly 6 hours on the beach!)

This weekend was an adventure of a lifetime......and marks the beginning of many more road trips like these, driving the backroads, making random stops to sightsee, camping in our VW Bus......and enjoying life together, as a family.

Oh - and one final first to mention: I got my first sunburn - behind my knees!! A painful first, but still....

Heartbreaks

Recently I was telling my son a story of when he was a year or two younger. He's currently 6 (or 6 1/2 if you were to ask him.) He'd woken up one Saturday morning, and crawled into my bed, and under the covers, snuggled under the blanket and quietly closed his eyes, so not to disturb his still somewhat sleeping mother. (You know Mom's are never completely asleep when their children are awake.)

We laid in bed awhile longer, pretend sleeping, mostly. When I popped up, so did my son and the story telling began.

I shared with him how a year or maybe two ago, he used to come into my room when he woke up, he used to crawl up into my bed and "wake" me with a kiss. He proceeded to tell me that he was now in "the first grade" and this was no longer the "cool" thing to do. Really? At the age of 6?!? Wow!!! Do children grow up far too fast these days. (Shhh! Don't tell, but I still get to tuck him in at night and smother him with kisses, in which he "saves"!!!)

My heart broke a little more with this news, one less kiss for Mommy!