-Depression Is Serious.-

Today we learn of the passing of Robin Williams, who suffered from depression. Death by alleged suicide. Sadly, depression is a serious illness and can take lives just as easily as a physical illness.

Sadly though, depression is not well-discussed. Many suffer alone, in silence. Depression has a stigma. Long ago, the depressed were considered "crazy" (which is not an actual medical diagnosis by any means) and were locked away in an insane asylum. Depression is treatable, it is manageable. But we have to be able to have the "depression discussion" - safely without fear of judgement.

Depression is treatable with medications as well as therapy. It's healing to share, to talk openly rather than hide away behind that fake "everything is just fine smile." You know the smile.

Ask for help. Don't try and manage it all alone. Others have been there too. Support one another, lean on each other. Be there for emotional and physical support.

Depression is real. It is serious. And it hurts many.

The Stigma of Depression

I recently spoke with a friend who is having some {temporary}emotional challenges. 

As women in this current society, so much more is laid upon out shoulders. We are wives, we are mothers, we have demanding careers. We give...until we can give no more. And then, we are empty, overwhelmed with life. We want to curl up in bed and cry and hide away from the world. We want to scream. But instead, we put on that smile and pretend that everything is okay. We are strong. We can do this. We are masters at disguising our true emotions. We are nearing melt-down stage, but we have to hold it together. What will people think? If we break down and cry? We carry the weight of the world on our shoulders. 

Many women endur this. But because society casts such a negative stigma on depression, we hide away. We fear judgement. We fear what others may think. We put our health aside....for fear of judgement. We prolong these feelings.

My friend is Christian, has a deep faith and belief in God, but feels because she is dealing with this emotional turmoil, she feels less of a Christian. As a Christian woman myself, who has battled depression and anxiety, I understand her feelings. The Christian faith preaches that we bring the depression on ourselves,they  judge us just as harshly. "If you believe in God, if you have faith in God, there should be no emotional nor mental battle." But you see, depression and anxiety are truly clinical diagnoses. It has nothing to do with the strength in your belief system. We need support, from Christians as well as non-Christians. We need to be able to reach out when we are drowning. This is real life. God never said it would be easy. But He did say we should love one another and not cast judgement. 

My heart broke when I heard my friend say this. Because I know her heart and I know how strong her relationship with God is. 

We need to end the stigma. We need open dialogue for support and healing. 

Depression and anxiety are REAL.

-Am I Crazy?_

"Am I crazy?" I asked myself, over and over again. The way I felt, mentally, emotionally and physically made me think I was crazy. It made me feel ALONE. I was scared....and alone. Even the doctors discounted it.

Nearly a year after the birth of my child, deep depression hit...and anxiety combined with panic attacks. I was spinning out of control. It had to be my oral birth control. But no. "Here." The doctors said. "Take this." They said, pushing more antidepressants at me. "No." I said. "I don't want them. What is causing this?" I asked. Over and over again. No answers. I battled this for a couple of years. The anxiety was the worst. The panic attacks left me dehabilitated. I could not function. My oral birth control had been switched from brand to brand to brand. No one would HEAR me nor listen. Until finally, I encountered a nurse practitioner who listened. "Stop the birth control." She said. "Let's see what happens." I did. I saw a new gynecologist. Who listened. I stayed off the birth control for 6 years or so. Maybe less. I can't recall. My gynecologist gave me vitamins to calm me. Natural remedies. No more pushing antidepressants. No more added hormones. It took some time, but I finally began to feel better. No more crying all day. No more fear-gripping anxiety. Until now. 

Three months ago, I decided to give some low dose oral birth control a try...again...I do not wish to have any more children. I am DONE. I feel strongly about this. And I'm at peace with this. I could not handle pregnancy.......not emotionally nor mentally. All the hormonal ups and downs and changes....this oral birth control is making me feel crazy again. Filled with anxiety. Filled with panic. Filled with fear and paranoia. There is a rational side of me and a very irrational side of me.

Yes. This is real. Yes. You are not alone. I imagine many women have been here and have gone through the same. The physical symptoms of the anxiety alone are frightening. The mood swings are equally frightful. I have a 9-year old son and a husband. I cannot go through this again. So I wait. Patiently for my doctor to give me a viable alternative. I am through with added  hormones. I am threw with this. I am scared. I feel alone. I feel.....crazy. Yes. I do. But I know I am not. I've been here before.

I encourage you to find someone who will listen. Someone you can trust. Know you are NOT alone in the way you feel. 

Seeking Freedom.

Imagine wanting freedom and a new life so desperately, so badly that you build a boat out of plastic containers and some wood. And attempt to sail nearly 600 miles to freedom? Can you? Imagine?

Most of us reading this probably cannot. We live in free countries.

While visiting the Ponce de Leon Inlet Lighthouse, I viewed for the first time in my life a Cuban boat, well, not just one but three. All using the same basic materials. Plastic containers and some wood. And an engine. Not a high-powered engine, mind you. No covering. In the Atlantic Ocean. On basically a raft.

Seeing this raft touched me in ways I can't describe. Did they survive? Did they make it to freedom only to be sent away? Are they living happily in the United States now, free?

America brags about its democracy, it's freedom, yet we tend to be a bit selfish when it comes to immigrants seeking the same rights and freedoms we have.

Do these images touch you in any way? Do they make you think?

New Chapter.

......Turning over a new leaf. 

.....Starting a new chapter in my life.

.....Removing the "poison" that distracts me, holds me back. 

.....Following my dreams....working hard towards them.

.....Nothing stopping me now. No one nor anything.

.....Where I'm going, few will follow.

.....Excited about this new chapter.

You Cannot Steal My Joy.

I have never felt the need to cry so much over a move at work.....my "pretend job" as I call it. It's not what I was called to do....I've fulfilled my time and my purpose...I am ready to move on and pursue my passion. But tonight, as this new change comes upon me.....right before my set date/goal to leave...I can't help but mourn this move.

It makes me angry when others try and make you miserable because you are happy......It makes me angry when others just feel the need to f*ck with you, just because....If others wanna be miserable, why can't they be miserable alone? Why try and drag others who are trying to make the best of a sorry situation, who come to work, do their job and still have fun.....despite the madness.....by now, after nearly 13 years, I should know......play the game.....chess moves.....strategize....always keep ahead....they hate it when you get along with someone. Act like you hate each other. But I am just not that way: either I like you or I don't. I am not gonna fake it, either way.

What I can't believe is that I am actually shedding tears over this nonsense. But I am just tired. And impatient for the next steps in my life that will take me out of this situation. I am sad because I have the most awesome-est officemate/friend...ever. One that gets me, one that pushes me on a daily basis to be a better me, one that holds me accountable. In the year, nearly, that we have been officemates, I have grown so much and learned so much about me.

I know bigger and better things are on the horizon, they are within my reach. I have to keep moving, keep focused, keep pressing forward and not allow anyone or anything to convince me otherwise.
I will build my own bubble in my new office space....keep out all the drama and negativity and jealousy out of my space and more importantly my mind and my spirit.

No one can take away what I have. They may think by moving me that they win, again. But once again, I will prove them otherwise. Truly, I am not the one. If they think by moving me, they can steal my joy and focus, they have another thing coming.

I will weather this upcoming storm.....but for now, I remain in mourning of my dear officemate and friend...whom I will see but not have the chance to talk to like once before. All eyes are on us. We. Shall. Shine. No matter what.