-Experiences.

I had a conversation with a friend today - while it was meant to uplift them, it uplifted me as well. Dealing with depression and anxiety seems like a never-ending battle. But I can promise it's not.

This conversation made me think and realise that all of life's experiences  make us who we are. Whether they are positive or negative, good or bad...they form us. And it's our task to use them for good, for growth.

I think about some of my life's experiences: growing up overseas and having a cultural experience that not many are fortunate to have and how that has molded me and formed who I am today. My thoughts, my beliefs, my values. My first "serious"relationship as an 18-year-old with a guy who beat my ass every day.....and how I overcame it and can share and encourage others who may be going through a similar situation. I think about how I've dealt with depression and anxiety and panic attacks, many times over. Stubbornly not accepting the aid of anti-depressants but combatting it on my own, with therapy and lots of ups and downs....a whole lot of downs.

I realise that despite it all, I would not change a thing. These life experiences have made me who I am today. They've made me stronger, wiser. And if sharing helps just one person, it was all worth it. I am alive and a conquerer.

-That one outfit.

Ladies, what is that one dress, that one pair of jeans that just makes you feel beautiful...more beautiful than you already are? That one outfit that makes you feel sexy? What is that one outfit that makes you feel happy when you wake up early in the morning, grumpy, not yet ready to face the day but then you put it on and you feel like you can take on the world?

I have that one dress. Every time I wear it I feel extra-beautiful. I could be crying one moment and then put it on and I feel free! Happy. Beautiful. Gorgeously sexy. Match it with my black platform high heels and I know I am unstoppable!

So what outfit does it for you? Keep it handy. Wear it. Often.

Cereal...but no milk?

That moment when: you reach for that box of cereal (in my case the store-brand strawberry mini-wheats) and a bowl...open the fridge and discover....well, damn! There's no milk. Not even a tiny hint of milk...anywhere in the fridge. Standing there, door wide open, staring, looking, hoping, wishing a gallon (hell, even a half a gallon) of milk would magically appear.

Yes. I said "Magically appear." I tried to wish that milk into existence. Too late and too tired to leave the house. This is when you need milk (or grocery) delivery. When you desperately want cereal....and milk...but are too lazy to drive 10 minutes to get some. 

See, I rarely eat cereal and I don't drink milk, so I don't keep up on that inventory. You gotta tell me. "Mom! We have no milk!" But my son eats cereal without milk (Who does this? Seriously?! Dry cereal? In a bowl - with a spoon even!) 

Sadly, all my wishing and hoping....and the milk never magically appeared. I never got my cereal tonight...and this, my readers, makes me sad. 

The dilemma continues. I gotta get some milk.

-The Biggest Dream.

What is your biggest dream? 

The one that scares you the most?

The one that you think you can never achieve?

The one that haunts you, night and day, and invades your every thought?

What? Is? It? And what do you plan to do about it? 

Are you going to allow it to plague you? Or are you going to do something to make it happen?

Are you going to live life with the regret of never even making an attempt at making your dream(s) come true? Are you going to pretend it doesn't exist? 

Go after it! Make it happen! It's waiting for you!! 

---I Wish---

I wish you peace.

I wish your dreams come true.

I wish you hope and happiness.

I wish you unconditional, passionate love.

I wish you joy deep within.

I wish you friendship that lasts a lifetime.

I wish you well.

I wish you health.

I wish you all the great things this world & life have to offer. 

I wish...

My Battle with Depression

I am compelled to share my story of depression and anxiety and depression.....I've battled with it over the years and I am not afraid to admit it. There comes a time when we have to talk about it, to share our experiences.

Often we fear the stigma and the judgement when dealing with such a diagnosis. Someone tonight likened depression to a prison, a personal prison. No one really knows your in there....that prison. It is all-consuming...when help is not sought. It's debilitating, it can alter your life and the life of everyone around you.

Yes. Depression is scary. Yes. You may feel out of control at times. You may wish to crawl into bed and never come out. You may just wish to be invisible rather than carrying that fake smile with you wherever you go. But you have to keep on moving, you have to reach up, even when you feel it's hopeless, even when you feel like there is no way out, no end in sight. Reach out. Ask for help. I battled alone for years...not realizing I was depressed. As a teenager, who thinks of depression. The word, I am sure, was not even in my vocabulary. But looking back, all those nights I sat alone and cried uncontrollable tears.......I see I was depressed....but was too afraid to show my emotions to anyone else so I suffered alone, in silence. Depression led me to an unhealthy relationship which in turn spiraled my depression into more. I sought counseling...but never really dealt with the issues. I felt better but it was just on the surface better. It was not deep-down I am healed better. I touched on the domestic violence relationship and mostly dealt with the "why's" of that than myself.  Feeling better. I ended that round of therapy. But I was still depressed. I couldn't eat. I lost weight. I wore that "everything is perfectly fine" smile. You know that fake one, the one most, except for your closest friends, fall for. And even sometimes, you can fool them. By acting if all is normal. I was a young adult, I didn't talk about feelings, emotions. I just pushed them aside, deep down, and went about my life as if all was normal, all was well.

And then there were the adult years with depression and anxiety and panic attacks. I sought help, I reached out to everyone I knew that would support me and lift me up. I sought counseling, yet still refusing medication, I fought with therapy, lots and lots of counseling. Talk therapy. Cognitive behavior therapy. I cried. A lot. I wanted to lock myself in the closet. Depression was induced by a sense of overwhelming change and added hormones to my life. I felt trapped. I felt like I could not escape. I felt hopeless, I felt lost. I felt alone. But I reached out, not caring what others thought...I just knew I needed help and I needed to talk and share. I needed to know I was not alone and that others have been there. And I learned so much about myself, about depression, about anxiety and hopeless fear. During that time, I also experienced my first panic attack. That was the most scariest thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life. I thought I was going to die. The gripping fear, unable to breath, I could not think, I could not focus. I could not sit still. Panic consumed me, fear gripped at me and would not let go. I could deal with depression but panic attacks took on a whole new life. I was constantly afraid; afraid to leave the house in fear that something might happen to me, afraid to leave work and be alone during the commute home. My safe place, my cocoon was my bed. To some degree, when I am feeling anxious, it still is. I fought it - with therapy - and support from friends and loved ones. And I conquered it.

But depression crept back in again.....It's a constant cycle it seems. I am aware of my emotions, of how I am feeling of what I am going through. I attempt to find balance, to find that calm place where I can be in touch with my emotions and ride the wave of anxiety. It's scary, yes. But it is manageable with the right tools, with the right support, medication, therapy, you can defeat depression. But you have to ask for help. You are not alone. You are never alone. Many have been through it. Many more will go through it.

Keep breathing, keep moving forward, hold on.

-Depression Is Serious.-

Today we learn of the passing of Robin Williams, who suffered from depression. Death by alleged suicide. Sadly, depression is a serious illness and can take lives just as easily as a physical illness.

Sadly though, depression is not well-discussed. Many suffer alone, in silence. Depression has a stigma. Long ago, the depressed were considered "crazy" (which is not an actual medical diagnosis by any means) and were locked away in an insane asylum. Depression is treatable, it is manageable. But we have to be able to have the "depression discussion" - safely without fear of judgement.

Depression is treatable with medications as well as therapy. It's healing to share, to talk openly rather than hide away behind that fake "everything is just fine smile." You know the smile.

Ask for help. Don't try and manage it all alone. Others have been there too. Support one another, lean on each other. Be there for emotional and physical support.

Depression is real. It is serious. And it hurts many.